You are a deceptive type of friend to have. You seem really safe, you seem really reliable. You have all the right answers. Something to blanket myself with. I needed you in a time of vulnerability, of shaky faith. You served me well in those early years. But now you have become a foe, always letting me down. It seems the inner critic, the self appointed judge and you are having coffee more often than I thought. But enough is enough. I am writing this as my formal notice of the termination of our relationship. I want to tell you that although you seemed useful in some small way, you alienated me from the people I ought to love most, my relationships suffered because of you, because you needed to be right, because you were so black and white about everything. You marred how I saw the world and humanity, you convinced me of utter depravity and so I saw people with grey tinted glasses. You cost me many years of my life, many thoughts of worry that were not mine to think, many misguided agendas, many efforts to convince people of your conclusions, talking at people rather then listening to them. You kept me far away from my new friend, curiosity. Curiosity was a threat to you, you were so jealous, so afraid of new possibilities, so scared that your truth might not be the only truth. So you put up a shield rather then opening up your arms. Your ways were never gentle, your thoughts never kind. It left me so confused and doubtful, conflicted between my heart and in my mind. But I guess in a way I have reason to thank you. Thankyou for pushing me to point of breaking, thank you that I have seen the narrow path that certainty leads down, thankyou for helping me to see how ugly, unwelcoming and unhelpful you are in a world that thirsts for unconditional love and acceptance. My eyes are truly open and my grey tinted glasses have broken under the weight of divine love. I now see humanity so differently. I see all the beauty and all that is holy everywhere, not just in the bubbles you have created.
Certainty left me blind but now, I finally see.
I hold it all lightly. I listen to people who see things differently to myself, I hold it with dignity. I let go of the burden of agenda, pressure to convince people, that there is one true way. I am free to listen, to enjoy, to laugh, to love with each human in my path. I am so glad we’re not together anymore. I am now free and free indeed.
I am not certain of anything now except for one thing:
That Love always wins.