7:45pm: Our Anniversary
We’re 25 minutes late to the restaurant
A perfect storm of bills and the mortgage sent us broke
We were seated in the middle of the restaurant. I hate being seated in the middle of the restaurant
The menu has no vegan options
Now that didn’t end up of the Instagram feed!
My anniversary seems like a screaming metaphor for what marriage has been for me
So many reasons to be discontent
So many things seem to be going wrong
Not how I pictured
Not how I expected
Leaves me with heartache and eyes wide open late in the night
“Is this what I signed up for?”
Now don’t get me wrong
I’m not in any way blaming this on my darling husband
But he hardly ever lives up to my militant expectations
And therein lies my problem
At the core of me lies this belief that my husband is supposed to fulfill my every desire for love, intimacy and security
And don’t we do it with everyone near to us?
My boss is supposed to make me feel good enough
My friends are supposed to make me feel included
My government is supposed to give me safety, prosperity and peace (all for free and not affecting my hip pockets at all)
My parents are supposed to make feel accepted and nurtured
And yet, many of us are left wanting time and time again
Could it be we just expect way too much of the people we love?
After yet another fight about the laundry with A; I observed something about myself
My husband is my mirror
And I saw so clearly that day
Everything I see in him is something I see in myself
Could it be that I expect so much from Adam, I beat down on him for the most fickle things because deep down there’s a little girl inside of me who never felt good enough?
Screaming at someone else for a while dulls down the noise of my internal voices
Could it be more about me than anything?
Am I contributing to a self defeating cycle?
The thought made me nauseous and thankful I didn’t have children yet
On my three year anniversary as I sat with my darling in the middle of a noisy restaurant
I couldn’t help but smile to myself
Marriage is never going to be what I wanted it to be
My relationships won’t be either
They are in fact, way better
Because I’m blessed enough to walk home with people who change me and decide to love that little girl inside of me into wholeness
It’s not always pretty
But I’m hoping I can change
So my children will grow up in a home where they feel love, treasured and completely secure. I hope they’ll know that they are loved no matter what
Just like their Mum and their Dad
Be Free today my friend
x Gem x