Year 3

7:45pm: Our Anniversary

We’re 25 minutes late to the restaurant

A perfect storm of bills and the mortgage sent us broke

We were seated in the middle of the restaurant. I hate being seated in the middle of the restaurant

The menu has no vegan options

Now that didn’t end up of the Instagram feed!

My anniversary seems like a screaming metaphor for what marriage has been for me

So many reasons to be discontent

So many things seem to be going wrong

Not how I pictured

Not how I expected

Leaves me with heartache and eyes wide open late in the night

“Is this what I signed up for?”

Now don’t get me wrong

I’m not in any way blaming this on my darling husband

He’s amazing

But he hardly ever lives up to my militant expectations

And therein lies my problem

At the core of me lies this belief that my husband is supposed to fulfill my every desire for love, intimacy and security

And don’t we do it with everyone near to us?

My boss is supposed to make me feel good enough

My friends are supposed to make me feel included

My government is supposed to give me safety, prosperity and peace (all for free and not affecting my hip pockets at all)

My parents are supposed to make feel accepted and nurtured

And yet, many of us are left wanting time and time again

Could it be we just expect way too much of the people we love?

After yet another fight about the laundry with A; I observed something about myself

My husband is my mirror

And I saw so clearly that day

Everything I see in him is something I see in myself

Could it be that I expect so much from Adam, I beat down on him for the most fickle things because deep down there’s a little girl inside of me who never felt good enough?

Screaming at someone else for a while dulls down the noise of my internal voices

Could it be more about me than anything?

Am I contributing to a self defeating cycle?

The thought made me nauseous and thankful I didn’t have children yet

On my three year anniversary as I sat with my darling in the middle of a noisy restaurant

I couldn’t help but smile to myself

Marriage is never going to be what I wanted it to be

My relationships won’t be either

They are in fact, way better

Because I’m blessed enough to walk home with people who change me and decide to love that little girl inside of me into wholeness

It’s not always pretty

But I’m hoping I can change

So my children will grow up in a home where they feel love, treasured and completely secure. I hope they’ll know that they are loved no matter what

Just like their Mum and their Dad

Be Free today my friend

x Gem x

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2 thoughts on “Year 3

  1. Ah! Expectations! They let us down so much. It’s not so much a matter of changing them, as accepting that reality rarely meets them equally. In this imbalance, we adjust and reset and see that it’s okay. Okay to be real. To be authentic.

    Smile and wave those expectations goodbye as they whoosh out the door. Smile and kiss hello the joys of blessings that arrive unexpectedly to take their place.

    Liked by 1 person

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