Counting the Cost

waiting for rain

In a blog not so long ago I told you about how my whole world has changed in a very short amount of time. See blog: Fortune Favours the Brave 

I made the decision to go for what I wanted in this season rather than hang around trying to make something work when I knew my heart wasn’t in it anymore.

Sounds romantic huh?

At first it felt like an excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love.

“Elizabeth Gilbert would be so proud of me!”I cooed to myself.

What the self idealisation and heart flutters forget at the time of your great leap of faith is the inevitable crash at the bottom.

Usually at about 6 weeks.

According my swearing psychologist (See last blog)…its a ‘thing’.

I didn’t just make all these changes because I was bored or that I wasn’t happy.

I made changes that I genuinely knew that I was ‘called’ to make. And I’d spent a good amount of time considering the cost.

The cost would be friendships

The cost would be literally….costly..like dolla dolla bills costly

The cost was security in a career

The cost was losing the community I had spent the last 10 years being immersed in

The cost was a sense of identity

I had alot riding on my decisions

But faith propelled me forward

and grief helped me come crashing down to earth

The cost was felt deeply

and I felt naked

vulnerable

and I little bit lost

Thankfully I keep a little folder in my phone and when I’m lying there at 4am wondering what the hell have I done, I open it up and read the thought and encouragements of people who have cheered me on the whole way.

Little notes, emails and texts reminding me to keep going as tears stream down my cheeks.

A thin moment

#sidenote. Tears are prayers too

Things haven’t worked out the way I wanted since quitting my job

I just got let go from the work opportunity of a lifetime

and I’m still counting the cost of those things I had to give up to chase my dreams

But you know what?

As I drove away from the “dream job” failed today…

I thought…

“Wow, I’m actually ok.”

There was a peace that surpassed understanding

I can give up everything I once thought I could not live without,

Be rejected and chose not to take it personally

See shit literally hit the fan

and be ok.

The world keeps turning

and the birds kept singing.

It reminds me of a great truth given to us by Jesus:

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.- Matt 10:39

I hope that you chase your dreams even if you have to count the cost

I hope you choose to try again and again knowing full well you cannot control the outcome

But that is truly life

and life abundant.

Be free my friend,

xx Gem xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

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