“’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;”
– John Newton
We’ve all heard the song a thousand times
Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound!
But those lyrics struck me light a lightning bolt to my heart as I sat in church this morning.
Those lyrics articulated a profound truth about my story and the anxiety I have wrestled with my whole life.
I’m sure the author would forgive me if the original meaning of those lyrics meant something completely different but please allow me to indulge.
Fear in my heart
Something I’ve known well since I was a little girl
A sense of unrest, the palpitations, fretting in the now and constantly worrying about the future.
Always and relentlessly
After 26 years of the same thing over and over, I’m realising that I am grateful for my fear.
Strange and unorthodox I know
We’re taught to fix our fear, to drive it out. To pray it away, control it, manage it, medicate and meditate it into submission.
But fear has brought me to a place of courage
Fear has kept me awake at night, long enough to dream
Fear has stirred me to break free
Fear has taught me how to survive
And ironically enough, once I made peace with my fear, it no longer held any power over me.
It’s like the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz.
You rip the curtain wide open and all you find is a trembling, insecure little person trying to feel important and in control of something.
”Twas Grace my fears relieved.”
For so long I’ve beaten myself up for what I suffer. I’ve wrestled and writhed around with my fear to the point of exhaustion.
Until I could no longer.
I’d run out of solutions
I’d run out of prayers
I’d run out of the willingness to live
I just wanted the torment to stop
And last year
I collapsed into the arms of Grace.
Amazing grace
It’s relieved my cares
It’s saved me
Grace can look like many things
But for me
It was making peace with my fear
It was asking for support from safe people
It was truly trusting the divine power that cares for me
It was getting professional help
“’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;”
I invite you to make peace with fear
And allow amazing grace to relieve your cares whatever that might look like for you
Be free my friend
X Gem X
