A Wrestle with Fear 

“’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;” 

– John Newton

We’ve all heard the song a thousand times

Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound!

But those lyrics struck me light a lightning bolt to my heart as I sat in church this morning.

Those lyrics articulated a profound truth about my story and the anxiety I have wrestled with my whole life.

I’m sure the author would forgive me if the original meaning of those lyrics meant something completely different but please allow me to indulge.

Fear in my heart 

Something I’ve known well since I was a little girl

A sense of unrest, the palpitations, fretting in the now and constantly worrying about the future.

Always and relentlessly

After 26 years of the same thing over and over, I’m realising that I am grateful for my fear.

Strange and unorthodox I know

We’re taught to fix our fear, to drive it out. To pray it away, control it, manage it, medicate and meditate it into submission.

But fear has brought me to a place of courage

Fear has kept me awake at night, long enough to dream

Fear has stirred me to break free

Fear has taught me how to survive

And ironically enough, once I made peace with my fear, it no longer held any power over me.

It’s like the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz.

You rip the curtain wide open and all you find is a trembling, insecure little person trying to feel important and in control of something.

”Twas Grace my fears relieved.”

For so long I’ve beaten myself up for what I suffer. I’ve wrestled and writhed around with my fear to the point of exhaustion.

Until I could no longer.

I’d run out of solutions

I’d run out of prayers

I’d run out of the willingness to live

I just wanted the torment to stop

And last year

I collapsed into the arms of Grace.

Amazing grace

It’s relieved my cares

It’s saved me

Grace can look like many things

But for me

It was making peace with my fear

It was asking for support from safe people

It was truly trusting the divine power that cares for me

It was getting professional help

“’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;” 

I invite you to make peace with fear

And allow amazing grace to relieve your cares whatever that might look like for you

Be free my friend

X Gem X

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