#1. There was too much to say.
Sometimes life hits you like a fire hydrant. That has been my experience over the past 6 months. I had so much stirring within me, so much changed so quickly for my life and others around me that it all became a bit too overwhelming. How am I supposed to process all this? How am i to have any answers or existential meaning to give from all of this? I just white knuckled it and I feel like I have finally come up for air.
So with the help of a few assertive friends, I’ve decided its probably best to start somewhere rather than hiding in a blanket watching a shameful amount of Will & Grace.
#2. I had nothing to give.
There are times in life where you just cant fake fine anymore. And I had well and truly had enough of trying to keep going in my current path with no fuel left in the tank. I have made drastic changes to nearly every facet of my life in the last month. Now my tank is slowly filling up again and I can begin to give, to process and to share my journey with others, which I do so enjoy.
#3. I was afraid.
The longer I didn’t blog, the more I built it up into this huge deal in my own head. I have a little person inside of me that simply cannot make mistakes or fail. She had the wheel for a while and perhaps it was good protection from blurting a bunch or stuff I might regret however, I fired her and Courage is now the new managing director or my writing world.
# 4. I am wrestling with my “Why”
I’m in this season at the moment where I am question the purpose of everything and anything. Questions like “Why should I bother going to church?”, “Why are christians (including myself) so crap sometimes?” “Is organised religion a big sham hell bent on controlling people and helping leaders feel important?” ” Why do I need to have a career to be successful?” swirl around my head all day long. Nothing is certain to me anymore and I actually love it! It’s so expansive to hold everything in a place of curiosity. (That’s another blog for another time! But the point is, I couldn’t pen anything down because I wasn’t sure why I should or what conclusions I had to draw.
But I’ve realised, blogging about that could be fun and interesting too. And I will probably never be certain about anything.
# 5. What do I have to add anyway?
There are a bagilion voices out there competing for attention. What on earth was I supposed to contribute? Yes I know I am unique snowflake, no one is like me blah blah blah. But I just couldn’t see a point to me bothering anymore. I don’t have any prescriptive advice to give, I don’t see myself as very profound, nothing I say is new at all, I have been authentic and raw in the past and all I got was private messages from people I never see asking “was I ok”. Ugh it just seemed pointless I tell you pointless!
But the more I avoid writing, the more wrestless and fidgety I feel. So perhaps the goal is just to freely write about my world and my experiences just for the sake of it and let go overthinking the whole thing. Its a little like picking the petals off a flower to analyse how pretty it is. My life is a beautiful mess and I this is the place to write about it. That’s all there is too it.
# 6. I worked for a church
Any good leader knows that people look up to you whether you like it or not and people are always watching you. This is just the way it is. And unfortunately that left me censoring and overthinking alot of my writing.
It was one of the most fruitful and fulfilling seasons of my life. But with that, came certain expectations. Now I am in a different season and different job completely. I no longer have to censor myself or my experiences.
So pop by sometime and do life with me.
or not, that’s cool too 🙂
Be free my friend,