This week has been a little bit wobbly for me.
I am on a journey of healing and I am processing alot of “stuff” I’d not dared process before.
It’s a special and exciting time and I have the best therapist to go there with.
But I am fast catching on to the fact that it looks less like unicorns, rainbows and doves and more like grief, sadness, despair, depression, anxiety rearing up within me at any given moment.
Like sand being flicked up everywhere when you step into the ocean..
Tuesday night was one of those nights.
A wave of sadness and grief pounced on me as I tried desperately to fall asleep.
The wrestless feet
Drowning in my duvee
I call out to God without feeling any sort of respite from him.
Please. HELP ME.
Adam soon came to my side and I felt safe enough to fall apart in his arms.
“Its ok to cry”.
“Just let it out”
“You’re not alone this.” He says.
What a man.
The morning brought more tears and uninvited sadness.
“I don’t think I can face the day today.” I say through sobs and snot.
He gentley encourages me to reach out to some safe colleagues to support me at work. Even if its only half the day.
I dont remember driving to work.
Tears were impossible to hold back like I usually can.
What a mess I feel.
How unbrave I feel today.
I find myself held in my little heap of messy by safe people.
People who hold my hand like they mean it and say
“Its ok to not be brave today”
“This doesn’t take away from the incredible young woman you are.”
” This season is really crap and I know its not what you expected. But I believe you will get through this.”
No quick fixes.
No “you shoulds”
No cliché bible verses
Just safe enough
Safe enough to fall apart
Safe enough to let it all out
Let all the grief out
All the sadness lurking deep in my heart
Around people that will just hold it there with me
Until we let it go together…
I hope you have someone in your world who you feel safe enough with today. Who will hold you in the winter seasons and celebrate you when the springtime comes.
Because those are the types of people worthy to be in your world.
“If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4:10, 12