Do you doubt?
I know I do.
I doubt myself
I doubt my purpose
I’ve doubted my choices..most of my choices
And other people’s decisions
But I’ve never really doubted God or anything he has said.
Up until recently anyway
How I ended up in that position is a long and complicated one I am yet to unravel
But I found myself on a normal Saturday morning doubting God’s existence for the very first time
“What if this is all just a big bunch of BS?”, I said to myself.
And it didn’t really make me feel panicked…Just kind of…sad I suppose.
I carried on with my day but internally I kind of, let go of my need for God to be real.
Let go of certainty
Let go of my need for the bible to be true or “The inherent word of God.”
Let go of any striving on my part to “fix my faith crisis”
I didn’t meditate and my only prayer went like this:
“stuff it” I said. God, if you are real, I’ll trust you’ll show up soon enough.
“Do not test the Lord your God”, my inner critic sternly pointed out.
“Shut up, I’m not listening to you today either.”
The only thing I’ll be listening to is another episode of Will & Grace.
Sunday morning came around and my husband reminds me he is coming to church with me today.
Ok. I’ll show up I suppose.
I found the liturgy soothing in its ancient rhythm
The warmth of my husbands arm comforting
The hugs and the greeting of peace, a handshake and a wink of the eyes of a friendly stranger defrosting my cynical heart
The reverend talked about the parable of the vineyard owner and the notion of everyone getting to go to heaven, Us “holy” ones sitting in the pews and the ones out for coffee that morning, or sleeping in. We all got the same reward. How would we “good christians” feel about that?
I felt excited by this notion. I felt fed in my soul.
The eucharist left me in tears of joy. I forgot that I am apart of all this for one reason.
Because I am loved.
And there’s nothing I did to earn this love. It just is.
My position on substitutionary atonement doesn’t matter, my doubts on the bible, instituionalised religion, cock ups by myself and other Christians, my hurts, my failures, my inability to keep my spiritual disciplines to any sort of schedule pales in comparison to this kind of reckless love.
I had a revelation of grace all over again.
On a normal Sunday morning. As I dipped a cracker in some wine.
God loves me.
All the other stuff is ok to Doubt.
“Relax!” I hear a small still voice whisper to me. “I’ve got you!”, there’s a voice I remember.
The hound of heaven found me again.
When he hung on a cross and said “It Is Finished.”
I’d like think he really meant it.
Do you doubt?
Welcome to the club.
But don’t lost sight of how loved you are in it all.
Be free my friend
x Gem x